Lost In Beauty-

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Do Not Fret!!! I am back been busy for the past couple days havent been in the right mood to update my blog so Im SORRY Mainly to Daven Cause shes been the main one on my ass So Just for daven i included a pic of me from my photoshoot from yesturday its untouched so Its NOT ALL THAT LOL! Now back to your regulary scheduled Program

Recently I have been trying to get this puzzle....

I'm taking what I have and trying to make it fit.

Why the fuck won't it fit?

It's like I'm playing with one of those children's puzzles, where the object is to place the block into the corresponding slot. Square to square, circle to circle. All I have are octagons, and there is no corresponding slot.

Please don't mistake this for whinning... really, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure it all out. I keep thinking that I'm on the right path... and then, boom! Shock and awe, and I'm back at the beginning. Is it my mind? Is that playing tricks on me? I mean wtf Maybe its just that my mood changes so much so many things fucking irk me... and recently I cant pinpoint what the fuck it is so thats half the reason why i bark on my blog because it releases tension and i feel so much better....

Sometimes I'm dissapointed in myself for not becoming the hard-hitting journalist that I always thought I should be. Sometimes art seems too self-serving. I think back to when I was making a difference. Maybe I wasn't happy in my former activist life, but at least I was trying to change things. Isn't the goal to be happy, though?

I know that I have to stop banging this octagon around... I have to take responsibility for who I am. I have to find that middle ground between what I should do and what I want to do. I have to... DUN DUN DUUUUUUN... grow up. I'm back to the basics... the four noble truths and the eightfold path in full effect. Which is why from time to time i actively enjoy reading the pratices of Buddahism.... I enjoy their 4 paths that they follow..... Even the most wonderful people can harbor the smallest views of the world around them. If you haven't experienced something, you can't possibly understand it. That is what makes relationships outside of your bubble so important. You learn from others, you teach them a thing or two about what it means to be you, and everyone grows, right? At least in my silly little Utopia it is.
Im not saying whatever Mei Li says is law but fuckkkkk the world isnt all daisys i know this but people are so fucking closeminded it kills me people make one sided decisions when they dont know the full story... and of course the fuckbags dont have the audacity to ask...
From now on its all cupcakes and sunshine and shit.
Like my theory on Homeless People
Of course 90% of homeless people are con artists! It is totally thier fault they are homeless, too. And black people? You'd be safest crossing the street when you see them. Psh. Poor kids aren't learning because they are all crack babies! You can't teach a crack baby, no matter how much money you throw at them! I hate gay people, too. Faggy dog fuckers is what they are. Sorry thats not true i dont have gay people but im ranting so let me rant!!!

If you can't beat 'em...

I'm sick of this shit.

That is all for now..... GOOD DAY

the beauty exposed ;

Thursday, October 16, 2008

So as of Now i have moved into my new apt and i must say it is deff a blessing to be here it is soooooo much better than where i was living before. School still sucks buffalo balls and i mean that in the worse way possible but hey i got another year and half of this shit sooo no need to complain now. I added the pic of naomi cambell cause she looks hot in its a sexy shot! And shes been around for a while now so deff have to give her props for holding it down for so long regardless that shes a crazy cunt.
So i try not to let little meaninless things get to me but since i am a Gemini naturally that comes hard for me i have learned that once u have tried once twice and a third time just learn to not let it bother you as much of course this is hard when you have feelings involved... I mean but what is a girl to do? I just dont understand especially if you want to make a life decision with a person you will both have to learn each others habits what one like to do what their weaknesses are what their strengths are so that you can help each other. But if one is not willing to do so or is more stubborn than the other of course that puts a strain on things. I wil finish this headache blog tommrow im getting sleepy and the delivary people are coming tomm for my bed :-) Goodnight

the beauty exposed ;

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Im dedicating this to every person out there who has to deal with or at one point in their life dealt with a bitch, a cunt, or a so called friend.

a bitch is one whom you can not stand because of something about that person, whether it be an attitude, a peeve, or a vibe. a bitch is someone who thinks just because theyve heard of someones name or know of someone that they are automatically acquaintances or friends, and that they are entitled to talk smack about said person. if you dont know what someones favorite color is or how many birthmarks are on their arm, then you dont know them well enough to say anything period about them to anyone else.

a cunt is one whom after being there and done that, they cant seem to let go of things and still pop up out of nowhere, planting little seeds of destruction in hopes that they will ruin a good thing to get what they had back. they had their chance and they blew it, so common sense says to move on to someone whom they deserve, which is a scummy lowlife piece of trash to match. how cute.

and now to the so called friends. these are the ones i can not stand the most. you think that they are there for you, to trust, to talk to. grant it you don't really get the chance to hang out with them, but that's ok because friends are there for each other through anything and everything. they smile that toothy grin that had you known what their intent was it would make you rip their lips right off their face rather than look at that smile of deceit for another second.

this is for anyone who ever had to deal with people like that, for anyone who wished that said person was that fucking deer and that you were driving that car of righteous fury.

Alot of people find me to be the topic of their conversation for whatever reason i have yet to figure out why..... I will continue this tommorow cause i dont got pissed thus far

the beauty exposed ;

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Awww Shit Stop the mothafucking music hella old pic from 2006 you couldnt tell me i wasnt tan and fine LOL!! I had all the eyes that night Pleeeease Believe me.. Soooo i took the time to go and feed you fuck face doucebags with what i like and love whatever the fuck u wanna call it. You like it or love it or say fuck it DOESNT MATTER TO ME SUCK A BUFFALO NUT BIAAATCH
I like driving with high heels on, I hate pretending like I want to be nice, I like being blunt, I hate HATE HATE HATE HATE being lied to, I like eyelash glue, I hate chewing on pens, I like hiding in blankets, I hate it when people TaLk LykE tHiS so please don't do it just to annoy me, I like red hats on guys , I hate not being able to say what I want to, ,I hate people who do illegal shit and think its cool,I like listening to you talk, I like sitting up straight, I hate feet, I like what my nails look like when I don't bite them, I like cuddling, I hate it when people touch my faceUnless its my babes I hate horoscopes,I hate my hair, I I hate coughing, I like wearing eyeliner, I hate ads, I like ballet and my Pointe shoes, I hate chipped nail polish, I like the rain, I hate nail polish in general,I hate not knowing what to say, I like hip bones, I hate it when I swear, I like tight jeans, I hate bad drivers, I hate Uggs with mini skirts, I hate fishnets, I hate not knowing which c.d. to listen to, I like going to shows, I hate lipstick, I like when people stare at me,I like second hand stores, I hate my smile, I like taking pictures, I hate my hands, I like going to parks to look at other people I hate sitting around, I like guys who smell nice, I hate my thinking process, I like black slips, I hate pop ups, I like nicknames, I like the smell of laundry detergent, I hate people who sing along to songs and then they forget the words, I like being right, I hate being wrong too often, I like red shoes, I love high heels, I love how i know i can run jump dance all night love and make you jealous in high heels,I like hiding, I hate making the first moves in any case, I like kissing....., I hate cooking, I like kissing.....,Yes i know i said that twice doucebag I hate crying, I like grass, I hate excess hugging, I like flavored lip gloss, I hate being a romantic, But i like when guys are romantic and arent ashamed of it. I like being happy, I hate my pantry, I like bleeding on paper, I hate being overwhelmed, I like lying on the ground, I hate trying to please people, I like blue eyes, I hate being predictable, I like searching and waiting, I hate people with excessive amounts of talent, I like pretending I’m more important than I am, I hate trying to write poetry, I like driving my car, I like eyelashes, I hate being alone, I like analyzing people, I hate the truth when it’s unwanted, I like making up elaborate stories, I like dead leafs on the ground, I hate being called cute, I hate people who are too predictable, I hate loving people (loss of self-control), I like biting, I hate boring people, I like hickeys, I hate hickeys, Crazy right? I like glue sticks, I hate losing bets, I like old cigar boxes, I hate fast food,I like PinUp Models... I like 24-hour Mexican restaurants, I hate chapped lips, I hate cars that look like shoeboxes on wheels, I like dancing, I like not knowing where I am, I hate getting too lost in a conversation, I like trusting people, I hate trusting people who shouldn’t have that trust, I like swimming, I hate being sweaty, I hate my wrist bones, I like being hyper extended, I hate dreaming, , I like feeling loved, I hate sleeping alone ,I hate waking up alone its worse I like black and white pictures, , I like being crazy, I like actually watching the whole movie, I hate not knowing what a word means, I like being able to listen to a conversation from across the room, I like lip rings, I hate tacky tattoos, I like knowing someone better than they do, I hate being superficial, , I like sitting in the dark, I hate glittery things, I like scars, I hate tedious tasks, I like being a perfectionist, I hate how overrated sunsets are, I like sunrises, I hate labeling music, I hate being a perfectionist, I like cheap dates, I hate not having enough information, I like ugly plastic rings, I hate looking like I’m twelve, I like pink cupcakes, I hate my room, I like how comfortable my bed is, I hate defining myself by the things I like and the things I hate, I like shining flashlights around in dark yards, I hate the feeling you get when you like someone, I like how i can watch Purple Rain Over and Over and cry each time . I like weddings, I like rubbin preggo chicks tummys I hate forgetting my common sense, , I hate wide-lined paper,I Hate when guys are too conceited , I like the feeling of the first raindrops landing on bare skin, I hate these headaches I get, Ihate knowing that you feel a certain way for me, I hate people that hide things from me, I love knowing how much you have no idea how much i love you.

the beauty exposed ;

For the record this is about self love and loathing and personal relationships, and maybe only indirectly has anything to do with anyone who might read this...

Because I used to be sweet once.
I had a mind, and I used it often.
I had imagination, and feelings. And i still have feelings don't get it twisted.

I just dont know anymore.
I dont know what to think anymore. About anything.
I like to think at one point I had it all together.And sometimes i still try to think that... But instead i play Prince Over and Over.... And Sade... And of course have to hear people say i don't understand how you are soo beautiful you have like everything why do you feel this way. But doesn't matter how someone looks on the outside... I have problems just like the rest of you.
And somehow, one way or another, for good and bad reasons alike... things fell apart.
I know things change, we're human...but its so depressing to go from one extreme to another in such a short period of time.
And now Im so unsure of myself lately.
I just DONT know.

Im moving soon, however literal you want to take that... Im moving to another place that's gonna make me so much happier i can sleep in peace i can have my own restroom cook when i want walk around in my panties when i want hell even naked if i want. I dont have to hear anyone fucking that shit is beyond annoying. I wont have to worry about who might be in the kitchen or living area... Ill be able to do me.
Now Im the most indecisive person ever with the most addictive personality,. Im talking about the love, confidence and personal relationships people have that I dont. Things I cant get from walking down the street to the store. Things I have to earn. Jealousy gets you nowhere, I know... Ive not only been told, but Ive learned from personal experience. But I see people. People that are happy, or even people that are sad, and I want what they have. I cant hold a constant mood if my life depended on it. I used to be so up and down, and at one time I would have bitched about that, because my moods were everywhere, but at least I was going somewhere... I just wasnt always sure where that was. Now Im just stuck, dead in the middle and I dont know what to do with myself. Or if I should even TRY to do anything. Half of me wants to change and make things better, or at least get them back to the way they were. And the other half of me wants to sit back and ride it out because even though its not the best feeling in the world, these emotions might be the only thing Im passionate about for a long while.I am in love deeply in love. One of those love's that you believe will never get deeper i can write about how deep i am in love in a whole nother blog. but thats another blog for another day. But im at a point now where i dont think i can do anything right. I feel as if i always ruin this persons day or just make this person reach the point where their like fuck it... And then my emotions have just dramatically changed within the last two months although i think i know WHY they have taken on this turn im not sure how to change it back or what to do. So ive been trying to wait it out in a way but then that seems like a bust... I keep my attitude on a positive standpoint and that doesnt seem to work because it starts out right then it goes back to Point. A. Everything i come out to say i meant he exact opposite. I just need this person there but i know i cant have that .... and im soooo confused cause i dont know how to explain myself all id do is prolly just cry. And on top of that ive never had this issue before not to this extreme. And like i said i know why i have this issue. but i didnt think it would get this serious hell.. I feel like Prince ass on Purple Rain.... *SIGH* Just had to vent on this blog.. GOOO DUCKS!!!!! The game is tonight and once again im not home to root for my team but im rooting for yall here please believe!!! Tomm New Blog hopefully ill feel better... But... Prolly Not

the beauty exposed ;